I could not help but notice how many of my fellow Americans are living a lie. They are raised in ignorance, and they are denied the information they have been questioning for years. If you have yet to figure out what I am referring to, it is the age-old question:
Is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable?
Many of you have tried to find the truth, and many of you have gotten an answer. But not the right one, my children. Oh, how you know so little! I am here to unveil the truth--and nothing but the truth. The government will not be happy with me releasing this information to you, and I guarantee that they will try to take me captive. But children, I can ensure you that Sidewinder will not be taken prisoner. Not now, nor ever. The fruit-vegetable conspiracy will hopefully be put to rest forever.
According to scientists, if it has seeds, then it is a fruit. What they neglected to teach you in school is this: scientists are in on the conspiracy. They are saying that not only is a tomato a vegetable, but pumpkins, avocados, squash, cucumbers, green beans, capsicum peppers and bell peppers are all fruit as well.
This is, but of course, a bunch of horseshit. I'm right. They're wrong. You shall now see why my logic is undeniable.
The truth is, what really makes a fruit a fruit comes down to a few reasons. The most important one is this: Would you put it in a smoothie? If the answer is yes, then it is most certainly a fruit. If no, well then, you have a vegetable on your hands.
For example, I know that I would never gulp down a strawberry-tomato smoothie. It would be repulsive, and chances are, it would more than likely taste like Grandma. And unless I am in Cuba, I would never consume such a beverage.
The second way to determine if it is a fruit or not, is this: Would you put it on your nachos? If the answer is no, then it is a fruit.
Think about it. It is very common for people to put salsa or guacamole on their chips. Salsa, of course, consists of various ingredients. However the primary one is tomatoes. Guacamole has avocados in it. Therefore, they're all vegetables. No logical person would even consider putting fruit on their chips--unless they were really trying to impress you. When was the last time you smashed up bananas and watermelons, then dipped your nachos in it (unless you were high)? Never? Exactly my point
Now that I have unleashed to you a whole new realm of secretive information, you will hopefully sleep well once more. I can only pray that you will never toss and turn at night, going crazy with your own thoughts, questioning everything you know and love--your family, your friends, your sanity, your existence, and even life its self. Those days are over with now. Everything is going to get better.
So sleep well, children. And don't worry about me. I can become one with my surroundings. I have had run-ins with the FBI before, and once it was even more serious than this. Yes, you best believe it. I can get away, and I will get away. I always do.
Until then,
Sidewinder
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