Take me away before I ruin too much

I have come to the realization that most things just don't matter. And because of this, I've managed to become everything I never wanted to be.

So here I am smoking the same cigarettes that corrupted the person that became my biggest mistake, and the same cigarettes that taste like the craziest person I fell for. Wishing I was drinking the same alcohol that is slowly killing my life-wrecking mother, my favorite grandfather, and my best friend of a brother. The drink that he had one too many of and decided I wasn't worth being faithful to. The same poison that has made me sick to my core, destroyed my mind, and terrorized my every thought. Listening to the piano duet from the movie that reminds me of when everything was alright. Hoping that my best friend who would never have let this happen to me will put up with my shit just long enough for us to realize our dreams. Attempting to speak to the boy I fucked over because of my own denial and selfishness. Looking through my favorite books by the genius that hung himself because life is just too hard to get through. Wondering if someday I'll be able to write well enough for my thoughts to actually mean something. Knowing that I should be picking up my guitar instead of writing a paragraph that will never make a difference. Realizing it all comes down to choices and strength. And maybe...I'm just not strong enough.

Enough for now,
B.M.